My last break up in 2023 was one of my least proud moments in life. I handled it pretty horribly. This blog is as much a confession of my mistakes as it is a lesson on handling break ups poorly for the reader. Hopefully in writing this you can avoid messing up as bad as I did and I can alleviate some of the retrospective guilt that haunts me now.
I had met Zoe (fake name) on an exchange trip to Germany during the uni's summer holidays. The full trip was absolutely fantastic and a whole story in and of itself, but that's stories for other times and I'll focus on me and her.
We had to attend this stupid Zoom kickoff meeting whilst most people were flying or already in Berlin. That's where I first met her, in a Zoom breakout room. I thought she was very attractive and asked for her contact (I think it was Messenger).
We exchanged a few courteous messages and then didn't interact too much. I think we ended up meeting the day after because I was wandering around in freezing Berlin and quite bored and lonely. It was below zero all day and I was shivering from the winds blowing down my neck. That was the first time I realised the critical function of a combo of a scarf, beanie and gloves.
I actually met her and this other girl Sam (fake name) at the same time. They had run into each other at Victory Tower earlier in the day, and I'd messaged them both to hang out after exchanging contacts in the Zoom meeting. Sam ended up dating my friend Bill (fake name) who convinced me to do the trip and was my roommate there!
I was somewhat subtle but very persistent with my pursuit, constantly hanging out with her and starting conversations and we soon became close. One night when Bill, Zoe and I were walking back to our hotel, Bill had to go buy Sam some dinner since she was sick.
"Have you ever had a boyfriend before?"
"No...."
"Do you want to go out with me?"
"Uh, ok, sure!"
I will always remember the cocktail of excitement, nervousness, doubt and hope shaking in my head. It just felt right, the narrow, dark alleyways of Berlin covered in snow. It went well! I was happy.
Quickly, warm became red hot.
We had two dates when we came back to Australia. If you are ever in Sydney, you can actually climb up one of the Pylons of Sydney Harbour Bridge. It's an absolutely stunning view overlooking the entire wider Sydney. In the pylon itself there's a mini-cinema that introduces the history and construction of the harbour bridge. There we had a kiss that I'll never forget.
Unfortunately things sharply fell off a cliff. To be totally honest I was a pretty bad boyfriend to her especially after we came back to Australia. I was constantly teasing her way too much and made her very uncomfortable a lot of the time. I was also pretty stingy at the time now that I think about it, although I'm not that much better now XD.
Anyhow it all changed when she sent me this long, stressful text about, I can't even remember exactly now, something about not being compatible and that it's better that we just break up. At first I was a bit annoyed since I personally think things like this should be handled in person but I also got really worried since I could feel the stress seeping through the text. I responded very well at the start and offered to talk about it in person and didn't pressure her at all on whether to stay together. But she said she only has time to meet up in a few weeks?!
Then slowly as she kept refusing to elaborate or talk or meet in person, I became increasingly stressed. I was so overwhelmed with a feeling of melancholy and dread that I felt like a trapped animal. I had to do something, anything. I didn't want to admit that my ego was hurt, and that I began obsessing over her mental health because of some of my own trauma.
I just completely lost the plot. I'm quite ashamed to say I began spiralling and texting her non-stop every few hours and tried to say anything to get her to respond. I brought up how maybe spiritually I was meant to save her (I mean, come on), how stressed out I was, how I just wanted to see her again, it was a horrible, horrible mess. I'd say anything just to get her to respond and get a reaction out of her since I just didn't know what to do and she didn't explain how she felt at all.
It was just an overwhelming sense of dread, anxiety and insecurity for a few months since that first message from her. Honestly to this day it's hard to explain why I felt that way and why it felt like the world was folding itself into me. I only have a few leading theories.
1. Dealing with the shame and embarrassment of being dumped
As I'm writing this I'm slowly starting to realise how I have a rather fragile ego as a person. I really do not like getting rejected, dumped or losing. This made me attribute my desperate and obsessive texting to caring about her rather than being unable to accept that she didn't want to talk to me. I was young, it's understandable esp since I thought we were deeply in love before that, but sometimes it's better to rip the bandaid off quickly esp when you keep lying to yourself to justify your actions. I was offended that she didn't trust me enough to talk it out with me and couldn't handle the humiliation of it not being about me at all.
2. Trauma
Ultimately, sensing her distress through the texts and avoidance of me and the insecurities in me that grew out of her dumping me triggered deep traumas I wasn't even aware I had. My complicated relationships with my mum, the breakup with my first girlfriend before that and the suicide of a friend in high school. It felt like my brain was subconsciously matching what was going on to what had happened in the past.
My own traumas and stress were projected on to her, and I coped by telling myself it was because of what she was doing wrong. This was actually when I began reading Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic by Paul Conti but instead of using it as a mirror to look into myself, I was trying to use it to diagnose her. I even gave her a copy of that book and was told that it was insulting to her.
Trauma can feel kind of like getting a limb severed in a freak accident. There's no instant fix for how overwhelming it can feel, it just plain sucks. I find the best thing you can do in these situations is to calm down, stop the bleeding, don't flop around desperately trying to make it grow back.
I find that an effective way to let your mind settle is to just accept the worst possible outcome. When you are on a turbulent plane, you have to be ok with dying. There's a great clip of Jon Jones (bit of a sketchy character, but good to learn from nevertheless) where he's talking about getting nightmares about losing to Rampage Jackson in a UFC fight (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8m2r6AGZPw&t=212s). He was so worried about it that he had recurring nightmares where he would be knocked out cold. But when he embraced the outcome and visualised himself overcoming it, his worries disappeared. This kind of mental technique might not work for everyone, but it’s worth trying. It may seem scary at first, but I find it better than torturing myself over what may or may not happen and being stuck in a deathloop in my mind.
In this situation she already made it clear that she wanted time and space for herself. Even if I was worried about her, I had no right to intervene into other people's lives. If she made the choice, then I have to respect that, and accept whatever happens to her, positive or negative, that comes out of this.
As for my ego, in retrospect, getting dumped is really not a huge deal. People drift apart for all sorts of reasons. I guess the lesson here is to be more confident in your self worth and not see getting dumped as a character flaw or embarrassment on your part.
Eventually I did find the willpower, discipline and courage to just stop messaging her and it was hard at first, but became easier over time.